Saturday, January 21, 2006
I've Gotten Older
Tonight on the way home from the store, I opted to stay in the right lane, rather than gun it all the way home in the passing lane, as I recall doing in my youth.
I was enjoying just 'being in the stream' of traffic, modulating my speed with the ebb and flow of those in front of me and those behind me.
People would pass me by in the left lane, clearly traveling above the speed limit. 'Fools', I would think. Why don't they slow down?
I swear it was like looking into the past as I'd see kids whizzing by, cigarettes dangling from their rolled down windows, flicking butts at will. 'Philistines' I would think. No wonder there's so much litter!
As I was driving, I had time to think, as I was in the passenger lane.
I thought about how when I was younger, my pleasure was without root, always smoldering on the surface, highly emotional.
I'm older now I thought.
I don't feel the 'rush' of new experiences like I used to.
Heck, I've experienced quite a lot in my years and I'm settled in now.
Pleasure now, could be mistaken for numbness, as I don't feel like I used to.
But really what pleasure I experience, is now felt on a much deeper level than emotion.
And great magnitude in experience is no longer needed.
It's the simple things now.
A drive in the passenger lane on the way home.
A sunset.
A drive by an old church I used to attend.
An hour spent reading.
A chess game with my son.
A conversation with my wife.
Now, I can experience 'lesser' events that provide a deeper movement.
Because now, experiences come with memories.
While I'm getting my oil changed, I remember changing the sparkplugs in the old family Studebacher with my dad.
When I do laundry, I recall helping my indian next door neighbor wash her clothes and put them through the ringer in the basement of her house.
My son will look at me and ask something and I will remember looking at my dad and asking him something. 'Will you wait at the basement door for me so I can go down there and get something'?
These echoes that I hear, and through some magical synesthesia, see, are deeply satisfying.
From father to son to father to son.
From mother to son to father to son.
And now, with a little bit of age on me, I think of the following:
It makes sense that the heavier the object, when dropped in the lake, the deeper it will sink into the mud at the bottom.
But the reverse is true for my experience now.
Just the slightest, most refined, most miniscule, event can sink so swiftly and so deeply into the mud at the bottom of my psyche.
A handshake. A smile. A nod. An acknowledgement.
All so subtle. All so meaningful!
The elemental stages of life.
From the time I was a little boy up until I was at least thirty five.
Fire.
I was restless. Constantly moving. Hot. Spirited. Taut. Consuming. Anarchic. Disrespectful. Intemperate. Cocky. Maddening.
From thirty five to now.
Plunged into...Water.
Shocked. Settled down. Reflective. Quiet. Loose. Contributing. Hierarchical. Respectful. Moderate. Confident. Sane.
Perhaps, in regards to my pleasures, one would say I am settling for less.
But I know I've fallen up and am settling for more.
I wish you much the same, my friends.
Tonight on the way home from the store, I opted to stay in the right lane, rather than gun it all the way home in the passing lane, as I recall doing in my youth.
I was enjoying just 'being in the stream' of traffic, modulating my speed with the ebb and flow of those in front of me and those behind me.
People would pass me by in the left lane, clearly traveling above the speed limit. 'Fools', I would think. Why don't they slow down?
I swear it was like looking into the past as I'd see kids whizzing by, cigarettes dangling from their rolled down windows, flicking butts at will. 'Philistines' I would think. No wonder there's so much litter!
As I was driving, I had time to think, as I was in the passenger lane.
I thought about how when I was younger, my pleasure was without root, always smoldering on the surface, highly emotional.
I'm older now I thought.
I don't feel the 'rush' of new experiences like I used to.
Heck, I've experienced quite a lot in my years and I'm settled in now.
Pleasure now, could be mistaken for numbness, as I don't feel like I used to.
But really what pleasure I experience, is now felt on a much deeper level than emotion.
And great magnitude in experience is no longer needed.
It's the simple things now.
A drive in the passenger lane on the way home.
A sunset.
A drive by an old church I used to attend.
An hour spent reading.
A chess game with my son.
A conversation with my wife.
Now, I can experience 'lesser' events that provide a deeper movement.
Because now, experiences come with memories.
While I'm getting my oil changed, I remember changing the sparkplugs in the old family Studebacher with my dad.
When I do laundry, I recall helping my indian next door neighbor wash her clothes and put them through the ringer in the basement of her house.
My son will look at me and ask something and I will remember looking at my dad and asking him something. 'Will you wait at the basement door for me so I can go down there and get something'?
These echoes that I hear, and through some magical synesthesia, see, are deeply satisfying.
From father to son to father to son.
From mother to son to father to son.
And now, with a little bit of age on me, I think of the following:
It makes sense that the heavier the object, when dropped in the lake, the deeper it will sink into the mud at the bottom.
But the reverse is true for my experience now.
Just the slightest, most refined, most miniscule, event can sink so swiftly and so deeply into the mud at the bottom of my psyche.
A handshake. A smile. A nod. An acknowledgement.
All so subtle. All so meaningful!
The elemental stages of life.
From the time I was a little boy up until I was at least thirty five.
Fire.
I was restless. Constantly moving. Hot. Spirited. Taut. Consuming. Anarchic. Disrespectful. Intemperate. Cocky. Maddening.
From thirty five to now.
Plunged into...Water.
Shocked. Settled down. Reflective. Quiet. Loose. Contributing. Hierarchical. Respectful. Moderate. Confident. Sane.
Perhaps, in regards to my pleasures, one would say I am settling for less.
But I know I've fallen up and am settling for more.
I wish you much the same, my friends.
